


We Are Human

by Hecky_Padalecki



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Death, Depression, Friendship, Gen, Love, Memories, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide, blame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-20
Updated: 2014-11-20
Packaged: 2018-02-26 10:36:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2648897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hecky_Padalecki/pseuds/Hecky_Padalecki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On the anniversary of your friends suicide the self hated and blame builds up until Sam and Dean make you see the good in the bad.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We Are Human

**Author's Note:**

> If anyone is affected or wants to talk about anything you can message me on tumblr my name is louiseec.
> 
> This is sort of a tribute to my friend who this is based on and I hope she realises how much I value her and appreciate her even when she doesn't think it.

I woke up to the sun shining through the gap in the curtain. Today should be a good day. We had just finished a hunt and was checking out of the crappy motel and heading back the Men Of Letters bunker. Today should be good but it’s not. 

I packed up my stuff and crawled into the back seat of the Impala.

“Morning Kate, sleep well”, Dean asked with a smile.

“Sorta”, I said. If only he knew about the nightmares that had been haunting me for a couple of days.

All the way back to the bunker I sat with my knees to my chest and staring out the window forcing the tears back.

“Hey Kate are you okay”, Sam asked with his huge sympathetic eyes.

“Uh yeah just can’t wait to get back, I’m so tired”, I lied.

He gave me look as he knew I was lying but he didn’t press the issue. It took us the whole day to get to the bunker and when we arrived I ran out the car and into my room. I slammed the door behind me and ran to the bathroom and locked the door. I couldn’t face anyone not in this state. I washed my face and looked into the mirror. But what I saw wasn’t me, it was her. I collapsed to the floor, guilt-ridden and sobbing my heart out. I must have made a lot of noise because I heard Sam rush into my room.

“Kate, are you okay”, he asked with a worried tone, knocking on my door.

“Yeah I’m fine honest”, I said, struggling to get the words out.

“Are you sure, you don’t sound it”, he said in a calm and soft voice.

Then anger took over me. “YES god dammit Sam, I’m fine” I yelled through the door.

“Ok, well Dean’s gone to get food but he should be back soon and you need to eat so just come out when you’re ready” he sighed, backing away from the door.

I regained my composure and stood up to face the mirror. Her face wasn’t there, instead it was a guilty, exhausted version of me but honestly it was the real me. It was this time every year that got me into this state. I gave my face another wash and exited the bathroom and headed to the dining room. Sam was already there with a beer in his hand and one on the table for me. I picked it up and downed it as fast as I could. If I was going to go through tonight, I might as well be drunk.

“Hey slow down there Kate” Sam uttered.

“Shut up Sam” I said with an angry tone.

“Whoa Kate, what the hell is wrong with you today, what’s happened?” Sam asked sitting up.

“Nothing, will you just drop it already” I shouted, getting more irritated.

Sam went to open his mouth but was interrupted by Dean walking in with the food. For the rest of the evening we sat in silence and ate. I could hardly digest anything and felt blame in the pit of my stomach. Eventually I walked off into my room without a goodnight to the boys, slammed the door shut and slumped against the back of the door.

“Oh god why, why, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, please forgive me” I cried.

I sat there for an hour, crying until I felt like my head was going to burst. I walked into the bathroom and started to run the bath. When it was ready I locked the door, stepped into the bath, lay down and put my head under the water. 

“Wow I remember the times we had so much fun together, like the time we went sledging with Chris but we didn’t have a sledge so we used a crappy piece of plastic”, I thought to myself, “Remember that, when we didn’t have a care in the world”. But then I flung myself out the water, gasping for a breath of air. It struck me that I could never go back to the way it was, if only I could go back. I dried myself then got into bed. I knew tonight I wouldn’t get any sleep but it was worth a try. I slammed my eyes shut and hoped for the best.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“This is all your fault” she screeched at me, “I would still be alive if helped me”. 

“Please I’m sorry, I tried to help, I did everything I could”, I sobbed.

“Liar”, she screamed, “You didn’t do anything, none of you did anything to help me and I was so alone”.

“I’m sorry, please I’m sorry, I’m sorry”, I wept, struggling to get the words out.

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“Hey, Kate, you with me, Kate wake up” said Sam shaking me.

My eyes burst open and I was fully awake. I was gasping for breath but my lungs wouldn’t work and my chest felt like it weighed a thousand pounds.

“Kate, what the hell is going on?” demanded Dean.

“Nothing”, I said catching my breath. “I’m fine just leave me alone”.

“No god dammit, tell us what’s wrong?” yelled Sam.

I took a deep breath in; there was no point of hiding it now. Maybe getting it into the open is what I needed.

“Today is the 10 year anniversary of the day my best friend killed herself”, I said, I felt like I was going to burst into tear but I continued. “Lisa and I were the closest of friends practically sisters and our group of friends grew up together. When we were going into our teenage years, Lisa started to develop some issues. She started to self-harm and when she was 14 she had an eating disorder. I tried to support her as much as I could, I did, I really tried, but I don’t think it was enough. Her problems seemed to quieten down for a while until I made a horrible mistake and befriend a girl that would proceed to cause a drift in our group of friends. Although I thought everything was ok, she told us one day that we literally did nothing together and that we were meant to be best friends yet we only saw each other at school. She got that people were busy because she was busy too sometimes but it seemed that nobody made an effort when they weren’t busy. She then told us that she’d been feeling so low lately. So low that she had been cutting herself again and that she had the worst summer and all she wanted was her friends back. We all meant a lot to her but it's as if we had just totally drifted apart, like we didn't even know how much longer we could stay friends. That summer she had broken up with her long-term boyfriend and the break up seemed to change her. She told us that she was angry with everyone and everything because of something one person did, the one person who apparently loved her so much and never wanted to lose her. It actually killed her seeing him every day at school and not being able to give him a cuddle and for him to tell her that everything would be okay. This made her feel so down and so unhappy. She wanted to tell him how he made her feel but she couldn’t because he made it pretty clear that he didn’t want to speak to her and she didn't know what to do about it. She tried to move on but he's all she ever thought about. Not just because she loved him but because of how disappointed she was in him that he knew what she would be like and didn’t even attempt to speak to her.”

I took a second to compose myself then continued. “When she told me this my heart broke into a thousand pieces. That night I put my heart and soul into telling her that she wasn’t alone. I told her to listen to me, that she should never feel left out because she wasn’t. Even if she felt like she had no one she had me and fair enough it was same old me but I was always there for her, day, night even 3 am. I told her to never ever feel alone cause all she had to do was text me and I’d be there for her. I knew her for so long and I knew if she wasn't happy and what cheered her up. It killed me inside to see such a beautiful person like her be that sad because she deserved more. Life was too short to spend days at war with herself and to feel alone even though she wasn’t. I told her that sometimes we all feel the same way but the worlds a better place when she is in it. It upset me to know that such a beautiful person was destroying themselves inside and out. I hated knowing that she felt alone but I told her I’d be there for her. Until she found someone better or found someone who can give her more. I’d be there for her whether it was late at night or early in the morning. I knew that I wasn’t the greatest or the most talented person but who I was, was a friend that would always be there until something better came along. I remember the times were so crazy that people would think we were high or the times that we would laugh so hard we cried. It was all the inside jokes and the "remember when's". All those times were the reason we were best friends. We went through the good times and the bad ones but whether I lost her or if I won. One thing would never change and it was that she was my best friend. We knew each other for so long and were so close that we were like sisters. I wasn't perfect. I would annoy her, piss her off, say stupid things but then take it all back. But putting that all aside, she would never find a person who cared for her more than me.”

Tears came to my eyes as I said, “That night Lisa killed herself and though many said and thought differently, I blamed myself because I wasn't there for her enough”.

“Oh my god Kate, you should of said something before” said Sam hugging me tight.

“Yeah but Kate listen to me, from what you have told us it sounds like you were there for your friend as much as you could be. Whatever she did was on her because it sounds like not even you could change her view on life and maybe she was so far gone nothing would change her view. So please stop doing this and stop blaming yourself for this. Do you think this is how she would want you to remember her? Remembering her at her worst with you in a guilt ridden mess?” said Dean holding my hands. 

“No” I snuffled.

“Exactly”, continued Sam, “So go on tell us the funniest memory you have of Lisa and let’s remember her for the good times not the bad.”

“Okay”, I said taking a deep breath in, “One winter when we were young it was a gorgeous snowy day and there was a pile of fresh snow on the ground. As it was the school holidays Lisa and I decided we should go sledging on the hills nearby with our friend Chris. The only problem was that none of us had a sledge but when we arrived at the hills we found a long black piece of plastic so we used that. We spent hour on this plastic piece of crap.That day will always be one of the best days of my life.”

“See, I told you, that sounds amazing and I’m pretty sure that’s how your friend would want you to remember her. You can shed tears that she is gone or you can smile because she has lived. You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back, or you can open your eyes and see all she’s left. Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her or you can be full of love you shared. You can remember her only that she is gone, or you can cherish her memory and let it live on. You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back. Or you can do what she’d want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on” said Dean.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I see someone like Lisa I know that saying that your there for her doesn’t always help. You have to show them and change the biggest problem – the voices in their head telling them; they’re not pretty enough, not smart enough and not talented enough. Now every year when that date comes around I remember all the moments where we laughed, cried and even argued because it represents how similar and close we were. But most importantly it showed that we were human.


End file.
